Me and My Hair - A Love Story....not

Me and my hair, we have a tortured relationship.  It has tortured me and in return, I have tortured it.   It’s never been the right colour, the right texture, the right shape. It’s always been frizzy, curly, unruly and mousy brown. We have battled for many years and my hair has almost always won. My “good hair days” have been few and far between.

In my teens I used to attempt to curl it into submission with steam curling wands.

EVERY morning I would spend hours trying to look like this....

But usually ended up looking like this….on a good day

As I got older I tried all sorts of alternatives.

This

(Fail)

And this

Yeah, right, no surprises there....FAIL

I loved Meg Ryan's hair.  I carried this picture in my wallet for years.  Each new hairdresser was handed the worn image as I pathetically uttered the words "I'd like to look like this".  Most of them looked at me patronisingly and just said "Well, Meg Ryan has very different hair to you..."  No sh*t Sherlock.

Then this happened...and I didn't like her hair (or anything about her really) that much anymore.

Then in my thirties I tried going with it and got a perm. Say it with me people MASSIVE FAIL.  What was once frizzy and wiry was now completely dried out, wildly out of control and sporting a case of split ends so bad, looking back it should have been declared a natural disaster.

In my forties I discovered Japanese Thermal Straightening. Basically they apply a solution to your hair, then they iron it flat, basically killing your hairs will to do anything except hang there. Ta da! Straight hair. I loved it.  Sure, huge sections of my hair snapped off at the roots but I was winning the war. Here is the before and after!

In the last couple of years a new process has emerged called Global Keratin Straightening or Brazilian Blowout. There were rumours the solution was carcinogenic but hey, beauty is pain. If the risk of cancer wasn’t enough to deter you, the $250 for a process that lasts about 8 weeks might have. Not me of course.

I also LOVE products. My bathroom cabinet is stuffed with every manner of shampoo, conditioner, leave in conditioner, hair masque, gel, spray, conditioning mousse…. You name I have tried it.  Each one a chance to finally defeat my arch my nemesis, my freaking hair.

A year or so back I watched a great movie called “Friends with Money”. This line just jumped out at me.  It summed me up in just three lines.

“I was obsessed with shampoo. I thought if I could find the right one my hair would be the hair I always wanted. Like, every time I washed it was a new opportunity. A new chance to be pretty.”

I would be happy to have hair like any of these gals. No, actually I would be delirious.

Having great hair is a huge advantage in this world.  It sucks but I believe it's true.

And so it continues. My hair and I fight it out every morning.  The bathroom is our battleground.  I GHD it, I torture it with my Big Hair Rotating Blow Dryer.  I apply every sort of cream and gel I can get my hands on.  I beat and brush and iron it into submission. 

I watch the weather forecast with particular concern.  Not because I am worried about global warming (I am, but that's not why) or because I care about damn levels (I do, but that isn't why either).  If it rains, then all my hard work is in vain.  Rain and humidity are my enemies.  Sadly, my strongest memory of the terrible heat wave of 2002, when fires raged around Sydney, was that my hair never looked better. The air was so dry, there was not a curl or a frizz in sight.  Yes, I am ashamed to say so.   

I will not be surprised if one day my hair just gives up the ghost and falls out altogether.  I may be bald, but even then, I believe I will have a quiet sense of victory. 

No retreat baby, no surrender.