Bring on the Supermarket Revolution!



Having just returned from yet another frustrating visit to my local supermarket I'm not feeling so sweet.  My supermarket shopping is done during my 30 minute lunch break.  I approach it with military precision and planning.  With such limited time, I don't have time to waste so I have my list, a plan and a timer.  I don't like the supermarket at the best of times but after today's experience, I believe the time has come to propose a new set of rules for supermarket shopping.

So listen up folks. I'm only going to say this once.

Firstly, no more stopping for a chin-wag with your long lost friend in the aisle while both of you park your trolleys in such a way that no one can get past. If you want to chat, please do us a favour, exercise some manners and common sense and move it out of the thoroughfare!

Next, “the icebergs”. You know who you are. You travel in groups. You drift along the aisles like giants of the Arctic deep. Slowly you float along, blissfully unaware of those around you. At times it seems that you are purposely running interference for those of us who are in a hurry. You invariably park your trolley in the middle of the aisle while you all stand there discussing in detail whether to get the penne or the fettuccine. You’ve got all day so why not block the entire pasta and sauce section while you’re at it? This will not be allowed to continue. "Icebergs", you've been warned.  Come the revolution you people are first on my list.

To the deli counter. It’s not brain surgery people. Take a number. While you are waiting for your number to be called, think about what you want. Then, when they call your number say it nice and loud. Here is an example "500g of leg ham please".  See how easy it really is?  No more mucking around ummming and ahhhing about whether the shaved ham is a better choice than the soccerball. Remember the Soup Nazi? Too slow?  "No ham for you!”

Now, we come to the bakery. One word, tongs. Use them people. It’s so freaking simple.

The milk fridge seems to cause many people trouble. Yes, I know; low fat, no fat, full cream, high calcium, high protein, soy, light, skim, omega 3, high calcium with vitamin D and folate or extra dollop. It’s all so damned complicated. Just do us all a favour. Don’t block the entire fridge while you stand there with the door open, frosting up the glass, while you make up your mind. Pick one and move on.

Those of you who suddenly remember something you have failed to put in your trolley just as you are being served and want to duck off to grab it, you can forget that too.  Those days are over.  Make a list next time.  Try it, it works.  See what's written on my t-shirt below. I'm not kidding.

In future, those of you who wish to use the “Self Serve Checkout” will be required to pass an operator’s test and obtain a licence. If you are too slow, no licence, no self serve. Harsh but fair I think.

Finally, no longer will you be able to "self serve" a whole trolley of items. If you have more than a hand basket of items then do us all a favour and go to the professional people, the check out operators.  It's their job and you amateurs are going to put them out of work eventually.  So please, save their jobs and my sanity by using the checkout operators.

Thank you for your co-operation now get the HELL out of my way!