Eureka!

I’m so excited.  I’ve always wanted to be an anthropologist and finally, I think I have a foot on the ladder!  I believe I have discovered a new sub species of human being, the Homo Erectus Sticky Beakious.

I’ve discovered these creatures most frequently take the physical form of a post menopausal woman.    They are not limited to this profile however my observations indicate that most are women with adult children and short memories.  They are most prevalent in shopping centres.  Early studies indicate they are drawn to locations where young mothers and their offspring can be found.

The defining feature of the Homo Erectus Sticky Beakious is their ability to locate, assess and quickly pass judgement on the parenting skills of young mothers as they attempt to carry out everyday activities with their children.  They communicate their displeasure by a variety of means.  These means include gestures (for instance head shaking and eye rolling) and vocalisation (tut tuts and scoffing).  The most commonly used form of communication is the stare or as we academics call it, the “skunk-eye”.

Allow me to illustrate a typical interaction.  A young mother exhausted and sleep deprived, rushes to the local supermarket in order to purchase groceries.  She has had approximately 4 hours sleep, (not 4 consecutive hours it should be noted).  She has been up since 5.30am.  Upon waking she prepared breakfast for her husband and two small children.  She has made beds, done a load of washing, quickly tidied the house, made a shopping list for the week’s meals, dressed both children and quickly dressed herself.  She has not had time to shower or apply makeup.  She has taken her older child to school and now has bundled her two year old into the pram to go shopping. 

She dreads this as her two year old dislikes shopping centres, prams and shopping trolleys.  The young mother has arrived in the shopping centre car park at 9.30am and eventually finds a parking spot.  She strains her back as she leans into the car to extricate the child from the car seat.  The child wriggles and screams as he/she is put into the pram.  The toddler has mastered running and does not take kindly to being contained in a pram.  The mother then walks swiftly to the supermarket, pushing the pram quickly in an effort to placate the child.  The toddler continues to scream and wriggle.  The mother enters the supermarket.  She then attempts to get the toddler from the pram into the trolley.  The child objects, loudly.

As the mother makes her way through the aisles, tossing items into the trolley as quickly as she can, the child continues to grizzle and whinge.  The mother becomes increasingly stressed as she knows that the toddler’s “nap time” is approaching and the line at the checkout is long.  She finally completes her shopping and joins the queue. 

It is at this time that the Homo Erectus Sticky Beakious will make its move. It stalks its prey and swoops.  As the toddler’s grizzling and complaining becomes louder, the Sticky Beakious will position itself in such a way that the mother cannot avoid its gaze.  There will be tut tutting and murmuring which is Sticky Beakious’s method for communicating the message “If that was my child...” or “In my day...” or “What that child needs is a good smack”.  The “skunk eye” may also be employed at this time. 

Should the toddler’s behaviour worsen, the Sticky Beakious will often resort to head shaking and “skunk-eying” in combination.   This will communicate the desired message that the young mother is doing a lousy job as a parent and that their child is out of control.  In most cases, the young mother is already harbouring fears.  The young mother leaves the supermarket in distress.  The Sticky Beakious’s work is done.  She will now continue to roam the centre looking for other victims before settling in for a nice Devonshire Tea at the Coffee Club with Beryl from the Bowling Club.

If the job in anthropology doesn’t work out, I might go into business for myself anyway.  I’m going to get these business cards printed up and sell them online for young mothers with lively toddlers.